Let’s be honest, sex-ed is a load of useless crap, poorly hidden scare tactics, and at best it’s insanely boring.
My sex-ed in public school consisted of my biology teacher putting on a cartoon that explained the reproductive system in an extremely condescending way, then a clip about grasshoppers fucking, from a David Attenborough documentary. There was a broomstick and a condom that had brief contact, without any explanation. Oh, and sex can be fatal and you should be careful.
Gee, thanks. That was totally helpful and left us feeling really prepared and without major questions. We were not at all left with an odd feeling of fear and boredom combined. *snort*
What about all the fun stuff? What about all the stuff that does not revolve around babies? Where did all the important stuff go? I would say so much more.
You look fine!
You might think your genitals looks a little weird, or even wrong, and that’s not the case. Well, genitals do in general look a little weird, because they look and behave nothing like the rest of our body. But the same can be said for our hands and knees and lips. Genitals are also beautiful and amazing and the stuff they can do is pretty damn awesome. They grow depending on our mood! That’s pretty cool.
The deal with porn.
Porn is a business, there has been market research and they’re aiming their product at what will generate the most profit. A lot of porn isn’t about the actors feeling good, but looking good, and that might be why your expectations are off, expectations to your looks and skills, such as holding your leg straight up in the air for a solid 20 minutes or being able to carry a person upside down while attempting oral. But look beyond the mainstream porn you’ll find anything your heart desires, because the market research is faulty and you’re being bombarded with the perceived norm. There is no wrong way to have sex, and few people do it “the-porn-way”
Sex can hurt.
Sex can hurt the first time. It can also hurt all the other times, when it’s done wrong – (Or just right, depending on your kink). Think of it like you do any other activity, it takes practise, and even if you do get it kind of right the first time, there will always be other times where you fuck up and it will hurt. The pain the first time you have sex is most likely connected to the fact that it’s your first time trying it out and you honestly have no clue what you’re doing. It has nothing to do with, for example, the hymen! Because:
The hymen is not real!
There is no membrane covering the inside of the vagina. It’s a complete myth that there should be a plug, like a screen door that you have to ram a penis through. If you think about menstruation and the hymen, it becomes painfully obvious. Where would the blood then go? Cristen Conger has written about the myth, and at Psychology Today there is a more in-depth description of the history and reasoning behind it.
You do not give sex away!
Girls, this one is for you in particular. It ties together nicely with the hymen myth, that you’re supposed to stay “pure and untouched” because sex is a commodity that you offer, that will gradually lose value as you “give it” to more and more people, thus making the first time most valuable. No. Sex is not something you give away, it’s something you do. It’s an exchange of pleasure, if we have to talk about it like giving and taking. Everyone involved provides something different, but no one is taking anything. Remember, it’s completely up to you how many people you decide to share this experience with, but you’re not giving anything away, and it doesn’t lose value at all. Seriously, if you ever hear this phrase, I urge you to walk away. Quickly.
‘If a key can open many locks, it is a great key. If a lock can be opened by many keys, it is a very shitty lock.’
(I’m going to set something on fire, preferably the pants of the people who spew this kind of crap.)
You can have sex with whoever you want.
There is no set cookie-cutter mold you have to follow, that restricts you from having sex with the people you’re attracted to. Gender does not matter and sex is great for all combinations. Sex with women is fun, sex with men is fun, sex with genderfluids is fun, it does not matter what the person defines as, it matters if you like them. That’s it. Remember that sex is not only penetration. so a penis or dildo or vibrator is not a requirement.
Sex is fun!
Sometimes it’s comical, things are awkward, weird noises happen that are less than sexy, a leg is in a weird angle and cramps happen, you might sneeze the other person in the face. The opportunities for it to make you laugh are endless. It’s one of the things that makes sex fun, and it happens all the time, and it’s perfectly okay to laugh during sex! It’s also perfectly okay to laugh so hard that the sex stops! Trust me on this one, it’s completely normal and happens all the time.
Sex feels pretty damn good.
This is depended on it being done right for you. It can get better if you say out loud what works for you and what doesn’t, it’s not a critique to say ‘A little to the left’ or ‘Don’t do that right there, it hurts/tickles/feels odd.’ However, most of the time, it feels amazing. This is partly due to things like g-spots and erogenous zones, the places on your body that feels really nice when touched. They vary from person to person, but a few of the common places are these.
There is a risk of infections during sex. They flourish among young people in particular and it’s important to catch them, since they can be dangerous and some of them you won’t get rid of again. The most common ones, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, and bladder infections, I would test for every 3 months or so. Every 6 months, go for the full package. Even if you only have one partner, go get tested. Do it together. Make an evening out of it. Some STDs/STIs can lay dormant, which means you won’t get symptoms at all, but still pass the infections on, or it can take a really long time for the symptoms to show up. Testing is quick and painless and can save you so much trouble down the line. It’s not embarrassing, it’s smart.
To avoid pregnancy and infections there are many options. Condoms are the most common, and are very effective. Birth control pills too, and they can have other beneficial effects, but keep in mind that you are filling your body with hormones, there can also be negative effects. However, there are so many other things! For oral sex, vaginal or anal, there are dental dams, which is basically a condom (remember, they are for oral too, that’s why they come in flavors), there is spermicide to prevent pregnancy, there is a million options out there. It will probably take a bit of research to figure out what works for you, but checking out the Safe Sex Wiki is a good place to start.
Why you shouldn’t have sex.
There are, of course, reasons for that too. If you’re in risk of contracting an STD/STI, you shouldn’t have sex, simply because it’s not safe. You also shouldn’t have sex IF YOU DON’T WANT TO! There is no obligation, if there is expectations they can shove them up their ass (and not in the fun way), there is no duty. Not ever. It is so goddamn important, don’t do it if you don’t feel like it.
Most importantly; consent. Make damn sure that the person you want to have sex with also wants to have sex with you. If you have the slightest doubts, don’t do it. THE ABSENCE OF A NO IS NOT A YES! A maybe is a no. A shrug is a no. If you convince them, it was a no that you bullied into a yes. If there is no reaction to advances, it’s a no! Don’t have sex with people who are not even able to say yes. If they ignore you, it’s a no. Don’t have sex with the people who do not want to. Those are, quite literally, the only reasons you have to worry about. It’s as simple as that.
There are so many other things I would love to cover in a sex-ed lecture. It would be a full-day-thing, because demonstrations and questions are just as important as someone babbling on and on. It’s the stuff I want my kid to know before he ventures into having sex, it’s the stuff I want my niece to know since she is on the brink of teenage idiocy. I’m fairly certain that both of them know some of it already, since I’ve been the annoying adult sneaking in talks about condoms and the real names for genitals as often as I could, but I want to take a full day and explain everything.
I really want to put a lecture like that together and travel around with it. I want to ram some of this knowledge into the heads of teenagers. Pay is not even important, I just want to do it well and give these kid some sort of clue of what really goes on. Adding things like hygiene, more about gender, more about consent, sex toys, and kinks and fetishes.
I sure as hell wish I knew all this when I started out.
Would have saved me a load of trouble, confusion, and shame.